While one powers his way through the waters of the Caspian, slaying Russia’s marine resources with a single blow of his spear, the other lolls in a jacuzzi sprinkled with rose petals, his attention equally divided between a porn channel and a lissome brunette.
That was the picture painted by the Zhizn tabloid on Wednesday as it compared the lotus-eating lifestyle of Communist Party leader Gennady Zyuganov with the manly pursuits of the country’s head boy, Vladimir Putin.
The swines at Zhizn got hold of Zyuganov’s hotel bill after he stayed at a "foreign sanatorium" whose mud baths he is unlikely to patronize again. Although Zhizn’s subhead makes much of the party leader’s treachery in going abroad on vacation, the word "sanatorium" and the fact that the bill is in Russian give the game away — Zyuganov just nipped across the border to Ukraine. Though he did stay in the presidential suite, the nerve of him.
Zhizn writes that Zyuganov paid $800 per night to stay in the suite and also left a tip of $50 in the restaurant, which the tabloid emphasizes is "half the pension of the average Russian pensioner."
But the main attack is on Zyuganov’s sexual proclivities. The tabloid helpfully blows up the part of the bill that indicates he paid 700 hryvnas (presumably — the currency isn’t given) for a cable channel called Sex View TV. And it juxtaposes this with a photo of Zyuganov with a girl in shorts and a sleeveless top. He has his arm around her shoulders, although their awkward stance doesn’t exactly scream that they engaged in illicit activities on the presidential king-size bed.
Zhizn also prints a picture of the suite’s jacuzzi, which looks onto the Black Sea and has rose petals scattered round it. Presumably, they were red for this would-be communist president. But it doesn’t give any concrete evidence, and the bill doesn’t indicate double occupation of the suite.
Personally, I doubt that a man who voluntarily goes on vacation to a sanatorium and also — according to the bill published by the tabloid — pays for a 5-day "medical tour" called Diagnosis and Relaxation, would know wild vice if it hit him on the head. With their stern staff, terrifying treatments and compulsory diet of meat and potatoes, sanatoriums would be a strange choice for a dirty weekend, unless it’s mud baths you’re after.
Meanwhile, Putin has taken up a far more wholesome hobby than flicking through porn channels, the tabloid points out on Page 2. The article, which is yet another excuse to roll out the topless Putin-as-Rambo photos, quotes "sources in the presidential administration" as saying that Putin has taken up diving and underwater spear-fishing.
Putin began diving seriously in the Seychelles this year, Zhizn’s sources reveal. And doubtless, he found a nice budget hotel with absolutely no porn channels on offer. It quotes some unidentified British zoologists as saying that the area around an island called Praslin was cordoned off so Putin could do his stuff without some crazed scientist or maverick spear-fisher mistaking him for a prawn.
The best part of the article is a piece of purple prose about why Putin prefers spear-fishing to idly admiring marine life with a snorkel. "Obviously, aimless underwater swimming and looking at the beauties of seas and oceans don’t tempt the Russian leader," it gushes.
Apparently Putin’s new hobby has encouraged him to support the building of new diving centers in Sochi and the Far East, the paper writes, quoting those presidential administration sources again. And one of the presidential candidates, Sergei Ivanov, has quite coincidentally also developed an enthusiasm for the sport, Zhizn writes.
"In order to dive, admire the sea, nature, sea urchins and crabs, you don’t need to go to Egypt," the paper quotes Ivanov waxing lyrically. "You can go to the Far East [of Russia]." Or indeed, to the Seychelles. But give Ukraine a wide berth. There be Zhizn reporters.